Saturday, February 21, 2015

Goonies never say "lol".

This morning, I introduced Sarah to “The Goonies,” a movie I’ve seen approximately 700 times since its 1985 release.

As Chunk Truffle Shuffled across the screen, I wondered how different this quintessential ‘80s period piece would be had it been filmed in 2015. It didn’t take me long to conclude that it would’ve sucked -- and not just because today’s teen “stars” can’t hold a candle to pre-rehab Corey Feldman.

It would be impossible for director Richard Donner to capture the same cinematic magic he did 30 years ago. Why? Because modern technology prevents him from doing so. Oh sure, Data might be able to utilize 21st century gadgets in an entertaining way, but the film’s soul would be lost in a sea of annoying ringtones and iPhone apps.

The new flick opens at the local Starbucks, where Chunk records the passing Fratelli police chase on his cell phone camera. (Actually, producers would probably change the pudgy “Chunk” character into a skinny kid named “Slim,” because there’s nothing funny about America’s obesity epidemic. Also, the Fratellis would drive a Prius instead of a gas-guzzling ORV.)

Anyway, Chunk/Slim uploads the footage to YouTube and his personal website,, which also features clips of Michael Jackson’s sister stopping by his house to use the bathroom.

Mouth, a veritable slave to social networking sites, sees the video and writes about it on Twitter. Having read the Tweet, Mikey, Brand, Data, Stef and Andy race to their respective computers, where they sit for hours blogging about how the Fratellis attempted getaway compares to some of Hollywood’s great car chases.

Before logging off, Mikey navigates to to check the status of the online petition against developers’ plans to replace the neighborhood with a golf course.

Donner, concerned that the plot, like his cast of characters, is going nowhere, cooks up a lame story about how Mikey finds an old map online while researching pirates for a history report. After Googling “Chester Copperpot,” he decides to text his pals and set off on another Goonie adventure.(Thankfully, he remembers to TiVo "American Idol.")

The kids strap on their helmets, plug in their iPods and take off on their Segways to the Oregon coast, which is now dotted with Rite Aids and Wal-Marts.

Brand follows close behind on a stolen Hoverboard. (Editorial aside: If toy engineers don’t invent the Hoverboard by the end of this decade, I’m revoking all ties to modern society and becoming a Mennonite.)

Using a TomTom, the Goonies somehow find the entrance to a secret tunnel. Before losing cell phone reception, Mouth updates his Facebook status – “Searching 4 rich stuff!”

Stef and Andy share an obligatory lesbian kiss and venture further into the subterranean depths.

Meanwhile, Sloth is alone in his mother’s basement, watching Internet porn and cruising bondage chatrooms under the screen name "1eyedwillie." He hits it off with Slim, aka "BBRuth." They eventually get their own reality show called “Hey, You Guys!” which details the mutant’s life in suburbia as he awaits facial reconstructive surgery.

To boost the film's running time to just over an hour, Donner throws in a CGI octopus attack scene and a few music montages before the Goonies find the treasure.

At the end of the movie, as Willie’s ship, The Inferno, sails into the sunset, Johnny Depp makes a cameo appearance as Captain Jack Sparrow to plug the latest installment in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise.

The End.

Despite its plot holes and lack of creativity, “The Goonies: 2015” would undoubtedly become a summer blockbuster, giving its star, Shia fucking LaBeouf, even more money to spend on hookers and blow.

If Hollywood executives decide to make a Goonies sequel – a horrifying rumor that’s been swirling around Tinsel Town for years – it probably won't be much different than the version I came up with.
We, the children of the ‘80s, must stop this from happening. Clutching original VHS copies of "The Goonies" to our chests, we must rise up against the evil forces and sound an emergency JERK ALERT.

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