Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Chia Zombie!

There was a time, not long ago, when Chia Pets were considered shitty birthday gifts.

Recipients would smile and say thank you to the  ch-ch-ch-cheapskate, but inside they'd be all like, "Glad you thought of me for two seconds while you refilled your Valtrex prescription at Walgreens, ass!"

Then Chia introduced Zombie Handmade Decorative Planters and, suddenly, these ugly sumbitches skyrocketed to the top of everybody's wish list! Okay, MY wish list.

Creepy Holden is my favorite, mostly because he looks like an undead Richard Simmons, a concept of which I am a huge fan.

Due to my herbicidal tendencies, I knew I would never be able to grow such a lush, green fro, but, with the Zombie Chia it doesn't matter ... it looks better when it's dead!

Everything about this planter is straight out of a horror movie. First of all, the inside packaging is reminiscent of a "Saw"-inspired torture device!

Once I removed the head from its cardboard prison, I realized it looked a lot like former Steelers receiver Hines Ward when he did a cameo on "The Walking Dead"!


Next, the directions say to soak that motherfucker like you're waterboarding a Taliban spy (I'm paraphrasing.)

Then you add a little H20 to the Chia seeds and mix it up until it resembles caviar, or, at least, what I imagine caviar looks like, and spread it all over the planter. My 5-year-old was in charge of that part, which is why only half of the concoction made it onto Holden's grooved noggin.

Of course, the waiting is the hardest part.

We placed Zombie Chia in the kitchen where he'd get what little sunlight Pittsburgh has to offer. About a week later, it started to sprout!

What those irritatingly catchy Chia commercials don't tell you is that the product, much like an actual corpse, is a gooey, drippy, disgusting mess. But, by Day 12, Holden reminded me of Christopher Walken, so all was forgiven.

The next day, it gave off a Medusa-with-bedhead vibe.
Two weeks after this doomed science experiment started, it achieved the mossy, I've-been-dead-and-exposed-to-the-elements-for-a-long-time look I'd been hoping for. It also made me hungry for a Jimmy John's sub.

Holden will sport this look forever ... or until Hobbes devours my masterpiece leaving nothing behind but terra-cotta cornrows.
Is it too late to add a Chia Cat Grass Planter to my Christmas list?

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