Thursday, April 3, 2014

Do You Want to Get Fucked-up, Man?

Since the release of Disney’s “Frozen” in November, my 4-year-old daughter has made me listen to the soundtrack approximately 5,000 times. The songs, especially “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?”, are a permanent part of my consciousness. I’m going to be humming this tune for the rest of my days; I might as well make the lyrics more applicable to my lifestyle. So, in honor of Thirsty Thursday, here’s my version of Anna’s tear-jerking ballad.

Do you want to get fucked-up, man?
Come on, let’s hit the bar!
I never get drunk anymore.
I’m such a bore.
Sobriety’s bizarre.
We’re best drinkin’ buddies
Let’s do a shot!
How ‘bout a Rock & Rye?
Do you want to get fucked-up, man?
We can even do a keg stand!
(Go away, Kristy!)
Please?! I’ll buy!

(Voiceover of my Alcoholics Anonymous Sponsor:
“Conceal it, don’t feel it. Don’t let it show.”)

Do you want to get fucked-up, man?
Raise our steins at a beer hall?
I think a bender is long overdue,
I’ve started talking to the bottles on the wall! Hang in there, Jack!
I get a little thirsty, all these empty cups
Don’t leave me high and dry!
Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch.

(Me freaking out at an AA meeting:
 I’m scared! It’s getting stronger!”
Sponsor: “Getting upset only makes it worse. Calm down.”
Me: “No! Don’t touch me! I don’t want to hurt you!”)

Please, I know you want beer.
My liver’s asking where you’ve been.
Forget those 12 steps and come have a brew.
I’ve poured one just for you.
It’s not a sin.
We can share a six-pack, three for you and me.
The bar closes at 2.
Do you want to get fucked-up, man?

(I end up alone on my couch, drinking and watching Internet porn.)


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