Saturday, January 25, 2014

From Here to Eternia

I got a new toy today and, let me tell you, I'm in love with this six-inch piece of plastic.

No, I did not buy a vibrator.

I bought Skeletor, the boneheaded bad guy from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe!
Has there ever been a more bad-ass action figure? I mean, look at those rippling muscles ... the ram's skull Havoc Staff ... the furry loin cloth ... the duck feet ... the body armor that protects approximately zero vital organs! It's a thing of beauty, a work of art MADE IN TAIWAN.

Admittedly, in the '80s cartoon, Skeletor is a bit of a bitch ...

... but, in my childhood playroom, he lorded over the other toys like a babushka-wearin' god.

Who knows, my new Skeletor might even be the same Skeletor my parents gave me for my fifth birthday!
Since I was born a week before Christmas, mom and dad always went the extra mile to make my birthday feel special. Man, did they deliver on THIS one! I received Castle Grayskull, He-Man, Beast Man, Mer-Man, Panthor and, the icing on the cake, Skeletor! There he is, sitting on the throne like he owns the joint (which he pretty much did considering I never got the Snake Mountain playset).

I love that my folks didn't push girly shit on me. Yeah, I had Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbie dolls and I rocked yarn bows and Care Bear-pajamas, but "boy-stuff" truly captivated me because it was just so much cooler! Look at the jealousy on my brother's face:
I distinctly remember ripping Mer-Man out of his grubby little paws seconds after this picture was taken.

When my parents divorced in 1991, most of my toys, including Skeletor, were shipped off to younger cousins or to Goodwill. At the time, I was furious. There I was, a newly minted teen, forced to start a new life, in a new school, in a new town with none of my old playthings to help me through the transition.

In hindsight, I don't blame my mom for purging the past. She wanted a fresh start with her second husband ... and surely she didn't envision me playing with fucking He-Man toys well into my 30s! Aren'tcha proud, Ma?

Luckily, I have a child who is exactly like me. Sarah doesn't let the status quo dictate how she plays. Cows and goats coexist in the Fisher-Price barn with zombies and Ewoks. Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Inc. gang ghost-bust on Sesame Street. Barbie's Dream House is inhabited by Lightning McQueen.

So, Skeletor, until I win a Snake Mountain eBay auction, I hope you can adjust to life in the 21st century. SpongeBob is the King of Sarah's toy realm. It might take you a while to work your way up the recreational ladder, where you'll encounter old foes like My Little Pony and Hello Kitty (remember those sissy dipshits?), but don't worry, you can steal Barbie's cell phone to drunk-dial Hordak.

It'll be OK, buddy. BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL, I swear it!










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