No, I did not buy a vibrator.
I bought Skeletor, the boneheaded bad guy from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe!
MADE IN TAIWAN.
Admittedly, in the '80s cartoon, Skeletor is a bit of a bitch ...
Who knows, my new Skeletor might even be the same Skeletor my parents gave me for my fifth birthday!
I love that my folks didn't push girly shit on me. Yeah, I had Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbie dolls and I rocked yarn bows and Care Bear-pajamas, but "boy-stuff" truly captivated me because it was just so much cooler! Look at the jealousy on my brother's face:
When my parents divorced in 1991, most of my toys, including Skeletor, were shipped off to younger cousins or to Goodwill. At the time, I was furious. There I was, a newly minted teen, forced to start a new life, in a new school, in a new town with none of my old playthings to help me through the transition.
In hindsight, I don't blame my mom for purging the past. She wanted a fresh start with her second husband ... and surely she didn't envision me playing with fucking He-Man toys well into my 30s! Aren'tcha proud, Ma?
So, Skeletor, until I win a Snake Mountain eBay auction, I hope you can adjust to life in the 21st century. SpongeBob is the King of Sarah's toy realm. It might take you a while to work your way up the recreational ladder, where you'll encounter old foes like My Little Pony and Hello Kitty (remember those sissy dipshits?), but don't worry, you can steal Barbie's cell phone to drunk-dial Hordak.
It'll be OK, buddy. BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL, I swear it!