Friday, December 6, 2013

How Jason Voorhees Stole XXXmas!

Every Crystal Lake Camper liked swimming a lot
But Jason, who drowned there one Friday, did NOT.
Jason hated camping! The whole summer season!
He didn’t fit in and for numerous reasons.
It could be that his head wasn’t proportioned quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his face was a fright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his mother was a goddamn screwball.

But, whatever the reason -- his mom or his face -- 
He decided to kill everyone in the place.
Staring out of the bushes with a sack on his head
At the ramshackle cabins lined with bunk beds. 
For he knew every teen counselor on duty
Was busy now getting some underage booty.

“And they’re screwing in tents!” he thought with dismay.
“They’re up in the barn, rolling in hay!”
Then he grabbed a machete, his black heart was drumming.
“I must find a way to keep those nymphos from cumming!”

For tonight, he knew, the female employees
Would stay up late and get down on their knees.
And then! How they’d tease! How they’d tease! TEASE! TEASE! TEASE!
They’d make all the guys holler, “PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!”
Every Crystal Lake staffer, each boy and each lass,
Would brag to their pals about getting some ass!
They’d sit ‘round the campfire, boasting ‘bout cock!
They’d roast marshmallows and they’d talk! TALK! TALK! TALK!
And the more Jason thought about hearing them squawk
The more Jason thought, “I’m going to give them a shock!”
“Why, for 33 years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I must stop this orgy from starting.”
But HOW?
Then he put on a mask.
A NHL mask.
Jason put on a NHL goalie mask.

“Now when those perverts are ready to fuck,
I’ll stifle the mood like I’m stopping a puck!”
I’ll smash all of their wet dreams with fury!
And cockblock those assholes like Marc-AndrĂ© Fleury!”

All their windows were dark. Hormones filled the air.
All the counselors were slowly stripping down bare
When he came to the first little shack in the square.
“This is stop number one,” the masked monster hissed
And he kicked open the door, steel blade in his fist.

He grabbed two young lovers and started to hack
When he heard a loud sound that stopped his attack.
A fat man yelled “Cut!” through a big, red bullhorn.
“Hey, pal, do you mind? We’re filming a porn!”
Jason had barged in on a triple-x feature.
The director said, “Ya know, we could use a creature.
Take off the mask, let’s see what you’ve got.
If you’re scary enough, you can be in the shot.”

And his face scared the director, who nodded his head.
Jason discarded his clothes and sat on the bed.
And when the porn stars saw the size of his pole
They just couldn’t wait for the cameras to roll!
Every slut on the set, the tall and the small,
Climaxed without faking at all!
Jason hadn’t stopped them from cumming! They came!
Somehow or other, they came screaming his name.

And what happened then …?
Well, the campers, they say,
That Jason’s libido grew three sizes that day!
And the minute that loser was no longer a virgin
A gentler side started emergin’.
And he put down his weapon! He smiled happily!
And Jason Voorhees became the next Ron Jeremy.


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