Monday, April 8, 2013

The Big Kahuna Hangover Cure

I've been consuming alcohol on a regular basis for nearly 15 years, and I have yet to discover a hangover cure.

Could Back to the Beach, a PG-rated movie from 1987, hold the key to a headache-free morning after?

Before we answer that question, here's a brief synopsis of this cinematic gem:

B2TB stars Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello as composites of all those surf-happy characters they played in '50s beach movies, only now they live in landlocked Ohio. Frankie, a.k.a. The Big Kahuna, sells used cars and Annette stockpiles jars of Skippy Peanut Butter. Their leather-clad son, Bobby, spray paints skulls on the living room wall and karate chops the family poodle. Clearly, they all need a vacation.

En route to Hawaii, they stop in L.A. to visit Sandi, the daughter who is living above a bait shop with a surfer dude named Michael. For the next 90 minutes, hilarity ensues, complete with a WTF?!-cameo by Pee-Wee Herman (before the public masturbation infamy).

Not only is B2TB  a surefire way to beat seasonal depression, it flaunts EVERYTHING that made the '80s so awesomely cheesy: side ponytails, key-tars, boom boxes, acid washed jeans, bitch bangs, over-sized bows, neon-hued Spandex, Speedos, Ray Bans and the musical stylings of Eddie Money. Even today, when I think of California, these are the images that come to mind.

About halfway through the flick, The Big Kahuna "drinks enough Stunned Mullets to kill a plow horse and wakes up in a surfer crash pad where he laments, "Why-o, why-o, why-o did I ever leave Ohio?"


Michael comes to the rescue with "a little pick-me-up" mixture of Pepsi, Folger's Instant Coffee Crystals, Alka-Seltzer and Tylenol.

 "Keith Richards LIVES on these," Michael says, handing the Kahuna a mug brimming with brown froth.

The Kahuna begrudgingly chugs.
 His stomach churns. His face contorts. He is miraculously cured!
 "I LOVE it!" he exclaims. "I feel great! Oh, boy!" He even has enough strength to strangle the guy who's bangin' his daughter.
If it worked for a middle-aged car salesman with an immovable coiffure, surely it would work for me.

Step One: Get drunk! I headed to my favorite watering hole, Fuel & Fuddle, for beer. When I woke up this afternoon, my head was throbbing and my body was twitching. I immediately concocted the B2TB remedy.


I was nervous. I remember a time, not so long ago, when it was considered deadly to combine carbonated beverages and Pop Rocks. Alka-Seltzer seems like a more lethal ingredient than candy that explodes in your mouth. But, whatev ... this is all in the name of SCIENCE!

I plopped the tablets into the glass and showered them with Pepsi. The liquid congealed.

Thicker than Guinness. Less viscous than Twinkie filling. Absolute murder on the taste buds. It made me want to hurl. That being said, I can TOTALLY see Keith Richards quaffing this shit.

Thanks, Kahuna, but I think I'll stick to the hair (helmet) of the dog.

1 comment:

Steve Crowe said...

my favourite movie of all time!!

nice post, did you use the dosages from the movie?? 5 or 6 tylenol seems excessive.. but i guess keith richards is still around..