Friday, March 29, 2013

The Hopping Dead

Easter should be my favorite holiday.

I mean, Jesus dies, is buried and then RISES FROM THE GRAVE! That's the basic premise of every zombie movie! OK, so He doesn't eat people, but the whole "Bread is flesh. Wine is blood."-thing is pretty darn close.

Unfortunately, it's all of the secular crap that ruins the occasion for me: pink bunnies, flower bouquets, frilly dresses and, worst of all, plastic fucking Easter grass!

The last time I bought Easter grass was 10 years ago, when we lived in an apartment located about 20 miles from our current residence. Yesterday, I caught Hobbes chewing on a strand of that shit, which has been known to wreak havoc on feline intestines. Glitter may be the herpes of the arts-and-crafts world, but Easter grass will continually resurrect itself to fuck up your pussy.

ANYWAY, despite my aversion to pastels and hard-boiled eggs, Sarah and I dyed this week.

Luckily, Paas makes a decorating kit that is more in touch with my spiritual beliefs:

Within five seconds of opening the carton, Sarah cracked half of the eggs. That did not stop her from dunking them haphazardly into each mug until they developed a pukey hue. At this point, most people would start over with a fresh dozen, but the hideous Humpty Dumptys that Sarah created reminded me of the alien cocoons from Cocoon...

... and the gremlin cocoons from Gremlins.

We Frankensteined the remaining eggs, but they ended up looking more like a bizarro Crosby, Stills and Nash.

On the upside, I came out of the experience with awesome zombie hands!

But, screw chicken embryos, man! Easter is all about candy!

My mom always goes overboard on the confectionery front. Sarah has enough sweets to tide her over until Halloween 2015 and, although I said I'm on a diet, mom bought me a small lollipop because she knows my menstrual cycle begins in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

When I first looked at my treat, I thought mom had some kind of weird, maternal ESP that sensed I'd be making Gremlin cocoons for the holiday.

"I didn't know Betsy Ann carried milk-chocolate Gremlin heads," I exclaimed.

Mom sighed and flipped the sucker around, revealing a cherubic face.

Eh, maybe it'll turn into a devil if I bite into it after midnight.

I'm usually up until 2 a.m. anyway. That's when I'm the most creative (read: crazy). A few weeks ago I made a casket basket filled with cat-friendly paper grass and gummi worm-infested brain eggs.

Add a pair of deranged ears and -- voila! -- instant Bunny Rabid!

Now the Locklin family is totally ready for the Easter Sunday season finale of The Walking Dead.

 Jesus better make a freakin' cameo.

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