Saturday, March 9, 2013

Lucky Girl

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Forgive me for saying this, but I don’t get your mass appeal.

Yeah, I know you starred in one of the most popular sitcoms of all time (overrated), married Brad Pitt (ditto), and had a hair-do more legendary than Medusa's (hisssss), but how did you get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? I impersonated ALF in my second-grade play, so where's my freakin' star?

I'll admit, Office Space is a great movie, but you were miscast as Peter’s flair-wearin’, bird-flippin’, Kung Fu-watchin’ girlfriend. Lame romantic comedies are more your speed. It’s amazing; you’ve done roughly 5,000 of them and play “Jennifer Aniston” in each one! I’ve seen wading pools with more depth.

Jen, it seems you’re on the cover of People Magazine every fucking week, but you don’t seem like an actual … person. I'd stop believing you were a rom-com cyborg if you'd give props to the flick that launched your career and led you to a proverbial (and literal) pot o’ gold:
When the folks at Forbes Magazine hailed you as “Tinsel Town’s Top-Earning Actress,” did they know you made your feature film debut opposite a demonic dwarf? I guess it was easier to hide your "Irish heritage" before Friends became a mega-hit and Vidmark modified the movie's tagline and plastered your name and face on the cover:

Don’t be ashamed, Jen. Leprechaun is a cult classic. I’ve seen it dozens of times (mostly while intoxicated) and it ranks somewhere between "not too terrible" and "WTF?" Of course, most of the credit goes to Warwick Davis, who tackled the title role with such maniacal glee that you couldn’t help but root for him as he killed some dude with a pogo stick. Your character, Tory Redding ... well, the nicest thing I can say about her is she survived. That doesn't happen too often in the horror genre. 

Typically, chicks in monster flicks are irritating bimbos who prance around topless until it's time for them to be butchered. Their deaths are often met with thunderous applause from the audience. I totally cheer when Michael Myers totally strangles P.J. Soles with a telephone cord in Halloween. Totally.

When you first appeared on screen in Leprechaun, I danced a jig in celebration of your inevitable demise. But, as the movie progressed, I realized something odd: you didn't bug me ... at least not as much as the Joey Lawrence wannabe.

You were pretty, but in a non-threatening way, and you managed to spout blarney like, "That thing is a leprechaun and we've gotta find a way to stop it!" without throwing up. I was relieved when you escaped an o'stabbin' at the hands of wee Warwick. I expected to see you in the sequel, but you ditched fiends for Friends.

Good call, Jen. Leprechaun 2 was a rotten potato.

But, hey, getting your big break via a shitty horror movie is a badge of honor! Jamie Lee Curtis starred in the aforementioned Halloween, followed by a string of ‘80s slasher films, but still managed to hit the mainstream without tarnishing her "Scream Queen" legacy. Now she's doing commercials for yogurt that helps you poop! Dream big!

Another fun fact: America first met Johnny Depp in the original A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Sadly, he was eaten by a bed.

But, to show there were no hard feelings, Johnny made a cameo in Freddy's Dead.

You should embrace your place in horror history, Jen. Make an appearance in the Leprechaun "re-imagining" that’s in production. Autograph Tory Redding 8x10s for geeks at a monster convention. Show up to a St. Patrick’s Day Lep screening. Have fun with it!

But, for God’s sake, don't do another rom com! Unless, of course, it's called "Gettin' Lucky" and it involves a sex scene with Warwick Davis!

Kristy Locklin

P.S. The Internet Movie Database informs me that you were an uncredited extra in Mac and Me, a.k.a. the poor man's E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.  Forget everything I said above. I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

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