Wednesday, February 6, 2013

P.U.ssy

My cat is the Devil, but he stinks to high Heaven.

When you live with a toddler, there's always a weird funk in the house, so it took me a while to realize that Hobbes was the one making it funkier.

As Sarah bent down to give him a kiss -- a sweet gesture he reciprocated with a bite -- she said, "Kitty smells."

I knew the stench had to be pretty bad for her to comment on it (she paints with poop, after all). I cornered Hobbes in the bathroom, took a big whiff and determined that roadkill would make a more fragrant pet.

I'm partly to blame for his unpleasant odor.

Hobbes hasn't had a bath in roughly 10 years -- he pissed in his carrier during a roadtrip to grandma's house and I didn't want a furry, ill-tempered sponge saturating my couch.

For those of you who have never bathed a cat, stick your hand into a tub filled with soapy water and razor blades.

Instead of jamming a Glade Plug-In up his ass or hanging one of those Little Trees around his neck, I decided to buy Boots & Barkley Waterless Spray Cat Shampoo from Target. The cat on the bottle looked like a happy version of Hobbes, so that gave me a glimmer of hope, as did the sentence printed beneath it: "If your cat dislikes water, this is the way to go!"

When I presented the toiletry to Hobbes he was unimpressed.


His apathy was understandable. It was grapefruit-scented shampoo. Hobbes has an aversion to citrus, which has worked to my advantage on several occasions. When the little punk tries to ambush me during breakfast, I shove an orange slice in his face and, suddenly, he's like a vampire recoiling from garlic. Hisssssss.

As Hobbes exited his litterbox, I acted like one of those perfume sniper ladies at Macy's and spritzed the shit outta him.

Good evening, Dracula!

Because I was so distracted by Boots & Barkley's fanciful promises and jolly cat pictures, I didn't read the instructions, which said to "hand lather and towel off."

I don't pet this creature for more than two seconds, let alone scrub him like a cheese-encrusted casserole dish. Besides, Hobbes was already "in a lather."

But, far be it from me to not follow directions.

My attempt ...

FAILED!!!!

Oh, well. At least I got in a few good squirts before my hand was mauled beyond recognition.

Hobbes acts like he's pissed off, but I think he enjoys his new fruity flavor. He's been tonguing himself incessantly, the same way I lick my lips after I've applied a layer of cherry Chapstick.

When Sarah gave him a goodnight kiss (she's a glutton for punishment), I asked her what kitty smelled like.

"Like magic!" she said, nursing the fresh puncture wounds on her arm.

Now, if only Boots & Barkley could make his bad attitude disappear.


1 comment:

missadventures_in_pittsburgh said...

Love this one! The look on his face is the best.